Trapido: HOW DO I LOOK?

The government (Mrs Traps) loves nothing better than watching the Style Network Channel on DSTV - It's the one where they try and make you feel guilty about dressing within anything less than the budget of a small principality or failing to look like an anoerexic version of Penelope Cruz.

Anyhow her favourite-favourite on the channel is one of those reality shows called "How do I look?" It's where they take a real wenner - who looks like she's just fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down - and plot her fashion and facial ressurection, if this were only humanly possible, before revealing the "new her" at a showing in front of family and friends.

The way that they achieve this fashion revival is to get two parties - a friend and family member - plus a fashion guru to each select a number of outfits for this genius, who then selects the set she thinks is best suited to her. In addition she undergoes a make-up and hairdo overhaul before they show her on stage.

Then everybody gushes on about how wonderful she looks, how she must build from here and not go back to being the old her and so on and so vomit.

As I share a room with the government I often land up watching this "show" which would best be described as a cross between Jerry Springer (sans spring) and Cruffts (sans loveable mutts). Give me the genius with the achey breakey heart, from Desmoines - whose wife is sleeping with her great-grandfather, who is actually a woman and decides, in the interests of good taste, to reveal this "secret" on the Springer Show in front of a live audience, - before this crap anytime!

What they should do, in fairness to all the husbands and boyfriends trapped by their "better halves" into watching this, is to make it compulsory for any contestant who appears on this show, to have first appeared on Springer.

Have you seen the women on that show? There is a 100kg or 220 pound minimum requirement for them and a 60kg or 132 pound maximum for the men. So you see
this Woody Allen look-a-like waiting nervously on stage for his wife - last seen snorting and stomping backstage - who then paws the ground, sniffs the air before thundering on to join him....it's all smoke and dust....horrible!

And then she reveals her incredible secret - "I am actually my husband's sister and I have fallen in love with our father, "who aren't in heaven"!
(Not if this doll is anything to go by). Then they smash each other up for half an hour and it ends with Springer giving his drosh (sermon). Well worth the TV licence payment on its own.

By combining the two shows we, namely the long suffering men, are guarunteed
a woman who will entertain us with her secrets and strength while our wives and girlfriends get to see the people from "How do I look?" attempting to ...er....fix "her". (I'd advise them to have her spayed or put down but I'm sure there are those who would like to see them have a go.)

Think how much better the show would be! For starters when her friends and family break the news to her that she is on the show because she looks like shit - she will probably use her training from Springer to tear each one of them a new arsehole.

Instead of cutesie strolls through fashion stores we'd be treated to scenes normally encountered on safari - like a keeper darting their enraged contestant when the store says they don't keep her size or, if truth be told, enough material to make her size. Watch as she has to select the marquees - no tent will fit her - which she will be wearing to the final showing.

Then it's off to the beautician and hairstylist. It'd be pointless trying to
apply make up to a Springer special - their best bet would be to get a landscape gardener in, let him divide her face into areas and then mark these off with a pen and numbers. Then you get the guys who do industrial painting to colour by numbers - for pink they can just use a roller.

Finally just get them to blow her hair from about ten feet back - use one of
those industrial leaf blowers and then allow her to change into her marquee.
Always remember to remove the centre-pole and pegs first. Then being all the
woman she can be - and armed with a secret - turn her loose.

Bet nobody gushes at that!!